American Civil War Game Club (ACWGC)

Officers of the CSA,

We're making a special one-time offer to all of you ragamuffins to turn in your sodden and torn gray rags and put on a real uniform! That's right, a real, blue, worsted wool Union Army uniform! Think of how spiffy you'll look after the war is won and over, and how you'll be able to sagely point your finger at your former, unbending compatriots and say, "I told you so!"

You'll become a galvanized Yankee officer as soon as we get you fitted and signed up. You'll be able to drink all the liquor and coffee that you want. You'll be able to get all of that critical dental work you've been forced to put off and finally appreciate the benefits of real theraputic paper. No more grousing about battles you can't win, and no more lice crawling around in your beard or hair sticking out of your hat.

(You'll have to relearn how to properly spit your bacci juice, though, keeping it from dribbling down your vest and onto your boots.)

Sound good? It should, and you should also know that we treat drunkards in the process, allowing them to learn how to become better functioning officers while actually increasing the amount of liquor they can hold. But this is a one-time, special offer. Don't delay.

Send Lt. Gen. David Martin an e-mail as soon as possible, and he'll be glad to put you on the list!

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General Jos. C. Meyer, ACWGC
Union Army Chief of Staff
Commander, Army of the Shenandoah
Commander, Army of the Tennessee
(2011-2014 UA CoA/GinC)

Sadly the Blue Belles of the Ball are misguided....first off, you're more liable to be dead in a blue uniform than a gray or butternut one. Least those colors blend into things. Second you're bound to get a commander who can't speak English and who has been hired from the docks of some overcrowded slum filled northern city like New York or Boston or Filthadelphia! So you know they have no allegiance to the Union cause and them and everyone in the regiment will run at the sight of a mad chicken, let alone that of Forrest or Jackson! Third you ever taste Yankee liquor, what the hell is in it?? Lemme look at this bottle....formaldehyde!! That'll kill any good ol' Southern boy, but hey, guess the Blue Belles needs some way to straighten their spines and have some courage! Also you ever tasted Yankee food, yeah not yer Momma or Grandma's home cookin', can assure you that!! You notice they are always runnin' to the bathroom... More of them in line there than in battle! Fourth, battles you can't win?? Floyd, check 'em books, see how many Blue Bellies died this month.....uh huh....I see, a ton!! Now ya, how many battles did Marse Lee lose.....uh huh, I see, none!! Yup, sounds 'bout right!! Fifth, we ain't led by Jefferson Davis this time, so we're a wee bit more organized!!

Oh and lastly, y'all know you gotta email yer Chief of the Armies for a transfer....right.....somethin' tells me, um, he ain't gonna approve...okay!

So best you don't believe these Yankee lies....

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General Scott Ludwig
4/II/ANV

Always a pleasure to visit the Chumps in the Trees forum! I suppose that I ought to show a little more respect for the boys that frequent this place, but I don't seem to be able to find anyone other than that poor, bedraggled ragamuffin sitting over there in the corner by himself, sipping the final drops out of his bottle and prattling on about how silly we Unionists appear to be. But heck, no one's been in here since May, if I read the statistics correctly.

Look, it's like this! We in the North understand that you people sometimes have problems understanding what a forum is all about. For that reason I brought along a few special things to help you get educated.

Here's a box of color crayons to get you familiar in the art of writing. That's right, you have to know how to use a pencil in order to write something down. No, no...not on the floor; on a piece of paper! The color crayons will help you get used to the feel of a pencil, and then later the feel of a pen. What? No, I already know that you're familiar with pig pens; I'm talking about writing pens that you dip in ink! What? Ink is a dark fluid that the pen uses to make markings on the paper! What kind of markings, you ask? Why letters, of course; you know what letters are, don't you? That's right, they're the white things that come in the mail; but they're also the dark things on the white things that come in the mail!

OK, look. Just play around with these crayons anywhere you want for a couple of years and then I'll come back and introduce you to books!

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General Jos. C. Meyer, ACWGC
Union Army Chief of Staff
Commander, Army of the Shenandoah
Commander, Army of the Tennessee
(2011-2014 UA CoA/GinC)

I think I got the hang of them....but this damn forum won't let me post a photo of my work....

Btw - I heard some of your top leaders are Elmer's glue sniffers....

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General Scott Ludwig
4/II/ANV

But look what you have done with your own forum signature! It is so wide and expansive, so colorful and impressive that you do not need to know how to take pictures.

As you are apparently the only current representative for the Chumps in the Trees, I will hang around a bit more to set the record straight. Elmer's Glue is made in the great State of Ohio, and like all other superior Northern products is carefully and fastidiously checked for quality control. It is exactly for that reason that we find so much of it used to construct the chair in which you sit and the table upon which you rest your elbows as you listen in fascination to what I say. Southern gentlemen, such as yourself, long ago forgot the simple arts of the tradesmen, so necessary to the creation and maintenance of sturdy and long-lasting forum bars as are found in the North. Why, had you not managed to pilfer last year's contracted delivery of Elmer's Glue for the Federal Government, these rickety affairs you call Southern forums would not exist, nor would half of your cavalry have horseshoes!

But I digress. The quality control sniffers employed at the Ohio factory are all voluntary Southern prisoners of war who've had some experience with the product in the CSA engineering corps. And you are sadly misinformed as to the toxicity of the glue, although we have seen injuries among the sniffers during the cold months when the glue is prone to freezing their fingers to their noses and tongues.

I must leave you now, but I will draw a few crayon pictures here upon the table of what a hammer and nails look like.

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General Jos. C. Meyer, ACWGC
Union Army Chief of Staff
Commander, Army of the Shenandoah
Commander, Army of the Tennessee
(2011-2014 UA CoA/GinC)

[quote="Joe Meyer"]But look what you have done with your own forum signature! It is so wide and expansive, so colorful and impressive that you do not need to know how to take pictures. [/quote]
No wonder the South will loose, instead of letting the blocked runners bring in war goods they bring in luxury goods to serve General Ludwigs lifestyle.

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Lieutenant General Christian Hecht
Commander I Corps, Army of the Potomac

"Where to stop? I don't know. At Hell, I expect."