I decided to download the old Playstation 2 game - History Channel: Civil War. I thought it would be fun just to see how far gaming has come in the last 20 years.
Wow. This game is awful. It is a first-person shooter game which do not translate well at all to the Civil War or any other war before the 20th Century. In the first "mission" I am sent to First Manassas. Where 37,000 Yankees (totally inaccurate) are attacked(?) by Johnston and Beauregard who are "laying in wait." So many things wrong with all of that but whatever. The Confederates are attacking across Stone Bridge (are we?!) against the Union defenders. The Rebel plan is to get behind the Union army and take Washington (is it?).
So then I begin my mission and am given a five-shot Colt Rifle (wasn't aware those were at First Bull Run) and a revolver. I'm also given five hand grenades (who doesn't love to blow up stuff!?). I'm then part of a group of computer animated Confederates who look to all be in their 70s since, apparently, the History Channel decided that Civil War reenactors bore an uncanny resemblance to what soldiers looked like in the actual war. One of them even says, "if we win this battle, the war is ours for the taking!" Who writes this garbage? So me and a geriatric group of Rebels are given the task of capturing Stone Bridge. We tear into those Yanks quite easily as the Reb commander continuously yells the same phrase... over and over... "follow me to glory!" or even "This is from Uncle Robert!" Not at all ahistorical considering it is 1861!
After taking the bridge, held only by about 10 Yankees and two cannon which, luckily, weren't pointed at the bridge, I then have to return over the Stone Bridge to report to my commander. Stuart is ready to charge! But first, of course, I need to go clear some obstacles in the road. Somehow my commander allows numerous Yankees to fire at me from ten feet away while he stands there and just casually watches (danged officers!). I then run along a road while being shot at by quite a few Yankees over in the tree line. Do I stop and fight them or just keep running? I just keep running. One of the things about these games is that the computer will generate more and more soldiers no matter how many you kill until the objective is taken... then they just vanish!
So I brave a hail of gunfire to reach some sort of "sniper's tower" where a Yankee sniper is taking pot shots at me. This tower, conveniently built on the Confederate side of the river and without any real rationale for being there, creates a headache for me. I am pinned down the same as if he had a MG42 up there. I grow despondent as my health is running out and it looks like Dixie is in trouble. Then, luckily, the sniper either dies of a heart attack or runs out of ammo because he is gone. "Alright!" I say to myself, "let's go!"
I then charge across some sort of farm which resembles a French farmhouse complete with hedgerows, abatis, and trenches. After running that maze I come across a large field with three rows of abatis. Conveniently, each has a barrel of gunpowder in front of them! Honestly, what luck! I then knock out a few Yankee guard and set off each barrel one after the other.
That's it! End of mission. The dramatic voice from the History Channel then tells me that the south has won the battle and that "5,000" Yankees never return home. I thought less than 500 Federals died in the battle but maybe my explosions took out a few thousand extra?
The next mission has me headed westward to Shiloh! Oh what fresh hell will I find there?! I may write a review of each mission as this is arguably the most sadly inaccurate and poorly conceived video game I have played. I mean, can it get any worse at Shiloh? I guess I will find out!
